​The Social Times

                   A Black Rose in the Sea of Red Ones

 

                                                                   By Elaine Alisin

 

              "One can be all alone in the midst of a crowd."

 

            This is a line from a book that I always remember. You might wonder why. However, I am not the type of person who tells the world about my real feelings that slowly devoured my heart and rapidly plunging me into darkness.

 

            What I show the world is a façade of a girl who is very happy, talkative and energetic all the time because I don’t want to be pitied.

 

            But I will tell you anyway.

 

            Here I am standing in a meadow near my place. It is surrounded by vast numbers of trees of different kinds with the ground covered in moss and dried leaves. Sound from flowing waters of the river can be heard nearby and the tweeting of birds which is music to my ear.

 

            My brother always says that he does not like this meadow because it looks like a scene from a horror movie which the protagonist always runs from.

 

            Yet for me, this place is majestic for me.

 

            I laid down my favorite blanket of colored pink and white with flower design and then lowered myself on top of it. Then I faced front and let the warmth of the sunlight bathed my face.

 

            And I slowly closed my eyes and remembered the memories that lingered in this place.

 

            This was the place where he asked me to spend my forever with him after I graduate and this was also the place where he said his goodbye to me.

 

            J was the person whom I thought that will accept my flaws, imperfections, craziness, and most importantly, my loneliness.

 

            Yet, with jus the words "You're not worth it" and "Unsay pagtuo nimo? Gwapa kaayo ka?” the building of hope to finally receive a pure love was crushed in an instant and the effort to keep myself sane for all these years slowly crumbled.

 

            J was my schoolmate. He was a boy with a crooked smile that girls in my class always find heart pounding. I never understood why during that time. When I looked at him, I could not figure out why he was every girls' crush.

 

            "Kagwapo niya laine. Tan-awa ra gud o! Ayiee, kiligon jud ko ay!" a friend told me once.

 

            They said he was good but all I can see is a boy who puts himself into trouble because he hangs out with the troublemakers and delinquents in our school. And mind you, they are always called in the office of the principal.

 

            We became acquaintances when he helped me to pick the heavy Philippine history books that were asked by my teacher to be delivered in his classroom. That moment, somehow my perception on him changed a little and I thought that perhaps he is not that bad.

 

            Six years later, I met him again on a cold evening in a small diner in our town. We talked about what is going on in our lives.

 

            What surprised me the most is his confession that after all this time he has taken a liking to me but he was afraid to court me because I am serious girl. Then, he asked me if he can court me to which I abruptly said No.

 

            "Di ba pwede nga i-try lang nimo. Ok, mag ila ila sa ta. Pwede mag friendly dates sa ta?", he asked with a sad smile.

 

            I said I will think about it and then sought advice from my friends.

 

            "Taga-i lang gud ug chance Elaine," Tricia and Max said while we are eating at the cafeteria.

 

            "Pero mahadlok man gud ko besh, kay basig gi atik ra diay ko. Ikapila na baya ko gi paasa sa una. Isa pa, di ko pwede mag uyab uyab kay masuko akong mama," I said and proceeded to explaining that I need to focus on my studies and problems at home.

 

            "I try lang lagi. Kung dili jud ka, ingna lang gud na dili jud ka niya," Max said as she ate her Pastil rice.

 

            And so I did. I would not go into specific details on what we did but I can tell you that I have never felt so precious to someone in my entire life. He always says sweet words to me like "You're beautiful" and "You’re perfect", which my father could not. Touch and hold my hands like he is afraid I’m a piece of glass that can easily be shattered. Unlike my mother who slapped me twice that I could still feel the sting on my face. He understands my behavior, mood, and actions better than my grandmother.

 

            And one day, I woke up feeling that I wanted to see his face and realized he reached the door to my heart which I kept locked to the point that I don’t feel anything anymore.

 

            The days continued as I spent my time with him when I noticed that his attitude towards me changed.

 

            We meet each other but he barely talks and would not even look at me in the eye.

 

            "Naa tay problema?" I asked him when we were in the park watching children running around a pool of mud.

 

            "Wala man" he said.

 

            "Then ngano hilom kaayo ka pag mag uban ta? " I asked with a hint of worry and suspicion in my voice.

 

            "Wala ni uy. Gikapoy ra ko kay medyo busy," he said while taking hold of my hand and smiled at me that did not reach his eyes.

 

            Yet, even if he told me he was busy, he still continued to act that way.

 

            I started asking myself. Is he getting tired of me? Tired of waiting for my answer? After all, I was the one who asked him if he would wait until we graduate so that I can properly give my feelings. And I held to his promise that he would no matter how long it takes.

 

            I was walking on the pavement road near the L-300 station to buy something when I noticed a particular figure on the other side of the road. I recognized him in an instant. J.

 

            I was about to call him when I noticed a girl he held hands with the way he held mine and carefully help her sit in the passenger seat of the L-300 car.

 

            I did not cry when I asked him about the girl when we saw each other. He simply told me that he does not feel anything for me and he is starting to court that girl.

 

            "Why?”  I asked and looked outside the window.

 

            "Gikapoy nako ug hulat. Isa pa, na realize nako na mas love nako siya," he said.

 

            "Mao ba?" I asked, still looking outside the window where cars are passing by.

 

            He did not answer and a dreadful silence hovered in the air between us.

 

            I do not know how many minutes or hours passed before he finally said "I'm sorry" and walked away. I did not look at him.

 

            When I entered my room, I sat on the sofa. I felt a tear slid down my face. Why should it hurt? Shouldn’t I get used to this? After all, the people I care about always leave me alone.

 

            My friend whom I treasured left me with the reason she cannot keep up with me anymore. Even my grandmother left me when she knows I needed her guidance. Even if I have people whom I call "friends" and "ka-barkada", I still feel alone because no matter what I say they would never understand me as they claimed to. It is like I am surrounded by people whose presence I could not detect all and neither could they with me.

 

            I am alone.

 

            What was even worse is that when I rode a bus to get home, I heard guys talking and mentioned J's name. I looked at them and recognized them for they are his friends. I did not let them notice me.

 

            "Buang jud ni si J ba. Iya nang gibyaan si Elaine na wa pa gani nahuman ang pusta," one of them said.

 

            What I heard is enough to make me realized that I was played at. I was right in the first place not to accept him but I did not do it. Who was I kidding that someone would love me? I am not even pretty nor sexy, nor brilliant or excellent, and my life is full of torments.

 

            I thought I needed to hear it from him and so I called him.

 

             We met at the meadow near my place. I asked him directly and with a bored look, he confessed his sin.

 

            " Unsay pagtuo nimo? Gwapa kaayo ka? Di ko kasabot sa imo uie," he said directly.

 

            After he left, I stayed in the meadow. Stunned and unable to feel anything again. Yet, I remembered lines from my one of my favorite songs:

 

            "Am I that unimportant...?

            Am I so insignificant...?

            Isn't someone missing me?"

 

            See, who was I kidding?

 

            And as I slowly get up and made myself back to reality, I left the meadow thinking I am a black rose bloomed in a field of red roses. No one would like to pick me since I am not worth it. They always choose the red roses, the vibrant ones and radiating of happiness.

 

            I would be a hypocrite if I tried to deny that I am getting used to being left out and not be heard at all. You know, I am still waiting for someone who will pour the water-pour real life and love down on me.

 

            Despite the loneliness I feel in a crowded area, I used this as a weapon to make myself become stronger and independent.

 

*This is a FICTIONAL story written by Elaine Alisin as part of the requirements in her Campus Journalism class.

 

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